Coming Out

by Dan Crompton

What is ‘Coming Out’?

Coming out is the process of learning about your own sexuality and telling others about it. For a lot of people, this is a long progression of coming to terms with yourself and then deciding who to tell and how to do it best.

How do I know?

Trying to define your sexuality is one of the most complex parts of coming out. Many people view sexuality as a sliding scale - there is no need to state, ‘I am gay,’ or ‘I am a lesbian’; you are allowed to find anyone attractive without having to place such labels on yourself.

But answering the question, ‘Am I gay?’ is the biggest hurdle. It seems scary at first, especially if you've never said it out loud before, but the more times you answer the question in your head, the easier it becomes to deal with. If answering that question is really bringing you down, feel free to contact the Welfare Officer in total confidence.

Now what?

If you’ve realised you might fall under the huge LBGT umbrella (i.e. that you're not totally straight), what do you do next? If you find yourself attracted to people of the same sex, it certainly doesn’t mean that guys have to suddenly wear crop-tops and listen to Kylie, and girls have to play rugby and drink beer. Of course, if that’s what you want to do, then that’s fine too. The key is that you have to be comfortable with who you are, and be comfortable with what you do and with who you friends are. This doesn't have to fit into the traditional gay stereotypes, but if it happens to do so, then that's OK too! Although it sounds like a clich&ecaute;, just be yourself and live your life however you choose to.

How do I tell people?

Deciding who to tell is something totally up to you. It can be difficult to tell people you have known a long time that you now feel that you’re L, B, G or T, but telling your closest friends is probably one of the best places to start (but by no means the only place to start). You will probably have a rough idea of how they’ll react, and you might be pleasantly surprised. Obviously, the initial reaction can be one of either shock or confusion, especially if you have known them for a while, but your true friends should stick by you and accept you as the same person you were before you told them.

Telling family is another option. Some people don’t come out to their family until they are much older, and others tell their parents when they are teenagers. Coming out is such an individual process that it’s important to do it when you are ready. Parents’ initial reactions can be quite daunting, but you may find that they knew (or suspected) about your sexuality beforehand anyway. Parents are in most cases straight themselves, and so will have brought up their children in a straight family environment. To discover that their child is now growing up and thinking about sex (let alone gay sex) can be very tricky for them, and they may not have contemplated that your sexuality is different from theirs. They might bring up questions about the stereotypes surrounding sexuality, and may start asking you questions about sex. Unless you’re ready and happy to talk about these issues with your parents, in the early stages it’s probably best to stick to telling them about how you feel about yourself and your own life. It could be easier for you if you tell a brother or sister first.

For more details on how to tell people and how to deal with different reactions, have a look at the list of online advice brochures available at the OutProud website.

Alternatively, the Channel 4 website gives good and varied advice.

Feel happy about contacting the LBGT Welfare Officer Welfare Officer for a confidential chat.

Meeting people

Once you're comfortable with who you are, a next step for you might be to start meeting other LBGT people.

You might happen to meet people in College in Freshers' Week who are gay too. However, the welfare and ents organised by us at CUSU LBGT are designed for LBGT students (and non-students) to meet in a variety of ways and to help create Cambridge-wide links of young LBGT people.

All our welfare and events are open to anyone, whether you are openly gay, think you might be LBGT, or if you are a friend of someone who is. Our events are popular with gay and straight people.

Take a look at our What's on page for details about the events we run. Socials are a particularly good way to meet people in a relaxed, informal setting. Also, our LBGT Parenting scheme is an ideal way to get someone to introduce you to the scene.